Self-Reflections Blog

The Abstract Mirror

Breaking The Cycle

Growing up I always knew that I wanted to be a mother.  Not in the “I am a woman so have motherly instincts” type of way either,  but a feeling of genuine admiration for those who nurtured, cared for, comforted, provided, and made meaningful memories for their children….a GOOD mother.  The only problem was, I myself did not have a GOOD mother, so how was I supposed to become one myself? You see, I grew up in a dysfunctional household.  [...]

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Losing Everything To Find Myself

I joined the United States Air Force in January of 2011.  In 4 years, I found myself going to basic training in San Antonio, finishing my technical school in San Angelo, getting married in Tom green county, living in Korea for 2 years, and spending my last year in Bellevue, Nebraska.    I said hello and goodbye to many people who were near and dear to my heart.  I felt like I was in a constant state of transition.  So much [...]

The Abstract MIrror

Don’t Put God in a Box

I remember sitting in my Catholic Sunday school and my Sunday school teacher pointed out that Jewel’s latest released song, “What if God was One of Us?” was anti-God.  She said God could NEVER be one of us because He is God.  He is higher than us. Unknowingly, I listened to her and decided to cast that song out of my Top 10 music list. Although I was raised Catholic, I never claimed Jesus as my savior.  I went through the [...]

The Abstract Mirror

Unlearning Perfection

Have you ever sat and wondered why you think or believe things should be a certain way?  My whole life I’ve been taught to be and act in certain ways.  Like most people, there are the things you learn from your family and the ideas you pick up from society.  Along the way, you think these things will help you when you grow up.  But does it really?  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that a good [...]

Self Perception

Fit Mind. Fit Body. Fit Soul.

I fell in love with muscles when I was about 5, back when my nickname was Jilly Bean.  Muscles fascinated me.  I liked The Incredible Hulk, He-Man, She-Ra, Wonder Woman, and Hulk Hogan.  Growing up in a conservative Christian home with a pastor father, I was raised on traditional gender roles and most things I liked and was attracted to were frowned upon as “worldly” or “secular.”  It was super cool that girls could be muscular and kick-ass too!  [...]

The Abstract Mirror Blog

Realizing My Truth

How can we determine we are on our right path?  How can we be certain we are becoming the person we are meant to be?  These are questions that have followed me my entire life and will most likely continue to follow me for the entirety of my life.  The answer is, we probably won’t ever have certainty that what we are doing is either the right or wrong choice.  Each move we make ultimately has a butterfly effect that [...]

The Abstract Mirror Blog

Surviving My Mother

Probably 5 years ago now, I had the thought; I should write a book about my family.  Our family would always joke, if any of us wrote a book, it would be a bestseller.  But the more I thought about it, the source of it all for me would be my Mother and my childhood.  The book I would write would be called Surviving my Mother.  And it would be a bestseller too.  Each of us has a story [...]

The Abstract MIrror

Building Self-Worth Through Gratitude

Sometimes I feel I don’t have the right to offer my opinion regarding the challenges we face in life.  The truth is I’ve been very blessed throughout my life in many ways and generally speaking, have had what I consider to be a great life and a wonderful childhood.  I know many people who have not fared as well and when I consider what others have endured, it seems almost insulting that I would have anything to say on [...]

The Abstract Mirror

Discovering What Has Always Been

I often think about my childhood and question when I knew; when I knew that I was different.  I grew up in a close-knit circle with my sisters and my mom.  My dad was around until about 14 years old and then, quite rapidly, he left our family.  On top of alcoholism and being unfaithful in his marriage, he severely suffered (and still does) from narcissistic personality disorder (if any of you reading this have a narcissistic parent, I [...]

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Growing In Self

I’ve spent the last few years on an amazingly beautiful and at times painful road of self-discovery.  One that has forced me to go deeper into myself than I ever have before.  I’ve had to be relentless about honesty.  I’ve had to be brave enough to deal with whatever comes up as I ask myself some tough questions and wait for my inner self to answer, sometimes in ways that send wracks of pain, shame, and guilt through my [...]