I Give Myself Grace

The Abstract MIrror

I Give Myself Grace

When I decided to share my story on self-love and healing I wasn’t sure where I would begin because I am still on the journey currently.  I think we all have had some sort of trauma in our life, either from childhood or as we become adults and meet people that we date or friends that let us down.  Whatever that means for you.  Life can be really hard sometimes.  I grew up thinking if I could just live out my dreams everything would be perfect, but life doesn’t exactly work like that.

I was born in Hawaii where my parents met in the military.  They fell in love and had me but divorced when I was very young.  They too discovered life doesn’t exactly go as planned.  My mother remarried very soon after the divorce.  To say I grew up in a well adjusted healthy household would be far from the truth.  It was very chaotic and troubling for a young child who was very shy and internalized everything.  I adapted the best I could but never felt like I measured up to my mother’s expectations.  I developed a need to please. I wanted her approval so badly and attention from my father who was not really in the picture anymore.

Fast forward to adulthood. I started dating, and every man seemed to be the perfect mix of what I was reflecting on my self-worth, which was quite low.  Everyone would tell me what a beautiful young lady I was, but I never saw it that way.  I felt like I was never enough.  My mother didn’t accept me and my dad never put in an effort to spend time with me, so I could never trust that a man I was dating actually loved or cared about me.

I would push good men away and accept the ones who would try to control me and put me down because unfortunately that was what I was used too.  It felt normal.  I was completely comfortable tolerating emotional abuse.  I would have to say from going through all of the bad relationships and still to this day not receiving the love and acceptance that I thought I deserved from my parents, I have discovered that it truly does have to come from within.

I have to give myself the love that I truly deserve because no one on this earth can fill the space that craves to be filled within me more than me.  It’s human nature to want to connect with other humans and form bonds, but we must first allow ourselves to be loved from within.

I have learned I need to allow myself to sit with grief, whatever that looks like for myself.  To not be afraid of emotions that may seem scary or uncomfortable.  I was always fearful of crying or feeling sad because I was taught that showing my emotions was not ok.  I had a lot of hardwiring beliefs that as I grew older, I realized did not serve me and didn’t fit into my life anymore.

The awareness of my feelings and realizing that it was ok to love myself has been something that has helped me through some really hard times.  It’s ok to give myself time to heal and sit with sadness until I am ready to move forward.  I always thought I just had to “think positive” and push through to be ok, but in reality certain things in life can’t be rushed.  I obviously don’t want to dwell on sad feelings but now I take the time to ask myself why I am feeling down.

Life can really throw some curveballs at times.  None of us ever thinks we will be abused or get into a horrible accident, or lose someone we love.  But life happens.  This is the hard truth.  It is important that we all give ourselves the time needed to heal our pain.

A lot of us are so good at smiling through the pain, and hiding what we are going through. That will not heal us.  Acceptance and the realization that every person on this earth is going through some hardship or devastation is the truth.  No one person will ever not lose someone they love, get sick, feel a loss of some sort.  It is inevitable.

We are all human going through human emotions, and that is OK.  We don’t have to fake it until we make it.  We don’t have to hide hard and painful times.  Wedon’t have to act as if everything is ok.   We just need to learn to trust ourselves and our intuition.  We need to take the time to get to the bottom of things that come up and bother us.

If we give ourselves whatever it is that we desire in life, we will only be able to really discover OURSELVES and what we need to be happy in this one life that you have been blessed with.

All I can say is keep trying, you may fail, you may hit a wall, you may think you “can’t get through this”, but guess what?  YOU CAN.  There is no one person that has ever had a happily ever after without loss at some point.  It’s how you decide to handle and deal with loss and let downs that will truly make the life you wish to live.

Accept your sorrows and face them.  Do not be afraid.  Love yourself, please love yourself, you deserve it.  Then take the step to move forward, even if ever so small. Just one step at a time.  Life can be turbulent at times but there is always calm after the storm and new horizons. My point is to not give up.

I have had many (many) times where I felt as if I couldn’t go on, but time truly does heal all wounds.  Time.  It’s a precious gift.  I have felt like amidst my deepest lows that I didn’t think I would see the light of day, not to sound dramatic, but yes I felt that way.  I also realized I don’t have to live there, but letting yourself feel that feelings are so uplifting.  Not being afraid to face them and not hiding or numbing them.  Face your fears head-on.  It’s truly the only way to heal them.

 

Written by: Erin C.

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