A Holistic Journey To Self-Loveadmin
I was born in the Czech Republic while my country was occupied by the Soviet Union. I came from many generations of hard and tough people with a very standoffish attitude. A good example of this is that my parents never told me that they love me because this was not part of our culture. My mother was unconsciously riddled with anxieties and fears and my father always gave me a feeling that I wasn’t good enough. His way of showing me love was through the things he provided, never through his words. I never heard him say how proud he was of me. These were the building blocks of my childhood that have shaped my identity and sense of self-worth.
Growing up with this conditioning has led me into a lot of manipulative and low-frequency relationships. I told too many lies while discovering myself that have caused me to feel a lot of shame about myself. I was hiding parts of me that I thought wouldn’t be accepted and I suppressed a lot of emotions. Perhaps, this was one of the reasons why I left my parent’s house and moved to the United States when I was 20 years old. I’ll be 35 next month.
During my twenties, my life seemed to run on autopilot. Years passed quickly, one blurring into the next. I continued down a difficult path, one self-damaging act leading to another—from seeking validations that I’m good enough to one-night stands, to partying too much and basically living in a low state of existence. I lost touch with who I truly was and suffered tremendous amounts of anxiety and stress. About five years ago, my own lies became so unbearable that I began to search for something to stop my pain. I was being led by blind faith that I could have a better and more fulfilled life. And once I invited that thought into my presence, opportunities started occurring naturally.
During my search for healing, I came across a book called “The Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer, and it opened my mind to a world I didn’t know existed. It was the very first time that I dedicated any time to my own SELF. I also started attending Kundalini classes, reading spiritual books, and listening to inspirational podcasts. This was my first step toward self-healing, and it felt incredible and empowering.
They say when you’re ready to receive a life-altering experience, Ayahuasca will find you… and so my deep healing journey began when I was invited to a ceremony by an old friend. During the night, I was shown the most powerful, universal, energetic love I have ever experienced in my life. It was as if I had just met my true essence for the first time, falling in love with myself. I woke up crying from such powerful healing and how much lighter I felt as if I left years of trauma behind. My heart was full and so peaceful. The experience wasn’t just about me, it was about the power of the collective. I was tapping into the medicinal power of people’s vulnerabilities and listening to their stories that were so mind-opening. I knew at that exact moment that I was right where I needed to be. I realized that my self-limiting beliefs, my assumptions, the need to be right all stem from the lack of love and feeling like I was not heard and seen by my father. I was amazed that I never knew there was such incredible intelligence for self-healing that has been accessible to all humanity for thousands of years. Finally, there was something that would show me a clear picture of not only myself but of the root causes of all my trauma. I believe you would call this my spiritual awakening.
Since I’ve kept seeking new ways to heal; I have attended a 10-day silent meditation called Vipassana, which was very psychically and mentally challenging with a rollercoaster of emotions arising while trying to remain in complete silence. You were not allowed to make eye contact or speak to anyone the entire time. It was so hard to sit with my own mind in meditation for 10hours a day. However, learning the practice of impermanence has helped to understand how transient our lives are. I was able to calm my inner critical voice and separate my mind to get to a space of complete bliss. I learned to accept things for what they are, not what I want them to be, and accepted that discipline is where I need to work on.
I also worked with other sacred plant medicines such as Peyote, San Pedro, Magic Mushrooms, and frog medicine Bufo and Kambo. I am thankful that my desire to heal was stronger than my fears of the unknown. It takes a lot of commitment to really open to the flow of life as well as courage to seek and to relive old trauma that is subconsciously stored away. On my healing journey, I found more forgiveness for myself and others and I gained wisdom that I carry in my heart. Where I am now compared to where I used to be is realizing my actions are reactions to my conditioned mind. I now know my ego’s role, I have greater mental clarity, I’m able to consciously focus on my health, my lifestyle, and the way I treat others while having a greater ability to receive and give love.
I know that as long as I am showing love to myself through the daily practices of meditation, diet, and exercise I am doing my best and my mind is most at ease. But to apply everything I learned and live it as my highest self is a daily struggle and ever-evolving discipline. I’m not perfect and I still tend to procrastinate and fall back into my old patterns just like a lot of people do, and this is fine because I get back on track eventually, and every time I do I get a little better at it. Unlearning my conditioning and realizing I don’t have to identify with my old self anymore is a large step for me and by far the most powerful. I now have a personal relationship with my inner child, she is still hurt, and she is still sad at times, but now I know how to love her and care for her, and this makes all the difference.
Written by: Katerina O.