From Different To Deserving

The Abstract Mirror Blog

From Different To Deserving

I can remember the first time I was aware that I was different.  It was in kindergarten.

I was four and everyone else was five turning six.
every single birthday party I was reminded of this.

In elementary school – I dreamed of being lanky and thin but played tennis every day and was born curvy and was building my body (not on purpose) to be athletic and strong.

Even though I exercised, at will, for four-five hours every single day because I loved tennis that much – and was a vegetarian – the non-lankiness I hosted made me feel uncomfortable, unattractive, certainly not good enough- and the worst of all, ‘fat’. All the time.

In high school- changing before tennis amongst PERFECT looking girls – sucked.

I remember one day everyone comparing their disgust with their cellulite.

I didn’t have any.

I remember feeling weird for THAT too – and being so uncomfortable when the girls grabbed my legs in handfuls and gawked that it was all lean muscle.

I was the captain of the Varsity tennis-team – what they didn’t know is that I would go home AFTER practice and play some MORE or run some laps at the local high school.

From High School to College – I gave up attracting men. I wore baggy pants, and Birkenstocks, and a bandana around my hair and tried to cover up my sexuality and beauty behind androgyny and a sense of NOT CARING -that probably confused people.

I literally ate like dr pepper as my major food group. That and french fries and pizza. But nothing really other than that.

Oh, and lotttttts of cigarettes. Foreign ones – all the time… and coffee all the time.

So I was aloof, androgenous, and don’t remember ever looking at my body and thinking this mass below my head and intellect is something I have to make room for – maybe should – and instead moved farther down the path of becoming disenfranchised more and more from my body, and had nothing in my understanding about how to be ‘good’ to it, care for it, nurture it, least of all be proud of it.

As I progressed through every single diet in the cosmos- I lost my ability to diet. I shifted my goal to looking healthy and fit and strong rather than thin or skinny or slim.

What a shift.

Now, I still struggle but I don’t loathe my body anymore.

I am learning that one at a time – if I love my arms, and my shoulders, my skin on my thigh- my curvy hips, my long fingers …
one by one I am led to the gestalt-or whole – and through this path I can and will re-unify with my body and feel truly whole.

It is my hope and my wish that when this happens, I will truly see myself and my hope is I will never be able to un-see what is finally real.

Written by:  Emilia Ramirez, PsyD

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